


but now i'll erase you (because that will hurt less than resenting you)

by jackbumtrash



Series: boys over flowers (multifandom-ish) [1]
Category: GOT7, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: AU but not rlly, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet Ending, Canon compliant but also divergent???, F/M, Hanahaki AU, Hanahaki Disease, Jimin-centric, M/M, Multi, Possibly OOC depictions im sorry about that, kinda explicitly mentioned/described hanahaki - pls beware, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 09:33:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14161896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jackbumtrash/pseuds/jackbumtrash
Summary: ❝the hanahaki disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient throws up and coughs of flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. the infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals.❞•••jimin starts coughing out yellow acacia petals; his blood stains his lips red. and he's blue; he's oh so blue.//title from spring day by bts~





	but now i'll erase you (because that will hurt less than resenting you)

**Author's Note:**

> this is a hanahaki fic, and is cross posted from my wattpad, where it is under the name flowers from jimin, and the username @finifugalism. i hope you guys like this, and pls comment if you did!

•••••

 

     
    
   
    
  

 

☆

 

  
sometimes jimin wishes that he was the one dorming alone.

 

because everytime the coughing starts, he puts himself through worse pain just trying to stifle it. jimin can only hope that hobi hyung can't hear him, or that if hobi hyung does, he ignores it.

 

and there is a growing something in his chest.

 

☆

 

"jiminie, you've been coughing lately." it's not a question.

 

it's not accusatory either. or a suspicion. it's an acknowledgment.

 

jimin softly gulps and stealthily turns his face towards the source of the statement. hobi hyung is not looking at him. even if he is, jimin can't be sure because the lights are turned off in the room, and it's a little past midnight.

 

he pretends he didn't hear that.

 

"it's okay if you don't want to talk to me about it, just take care of yourself. okay?" hoseok says into the night and jimin nods to himself, however he doesn't make a sound, afraid he'd start coughing again.

 

but he doesn't cough once that night, for which he is thankful.

 

☆

 

when jimin coughs out the first petal, he panics a little. 

 

the petal is small, yellow, and sits heavy in his palm. it's not the petal that makes him panic though, not really; at least not as much as he thinks it should. it is the possible reason behind him coughing out said petal, that makes his heart sink.

 

jimin knows what it is. he has heard of it. he has seen it, too, quite closely.

 

hanahaki byou.

 

an illness caused by unrequited love, where the victim coughs up or vomits of flower petals, and eventually entire flowers, if their affections aren't returned. while the infection itself can be removed by operating on, the feelings associated become nonexistent with the removal of the causative petals or flowers.

 

it was a bit unbelievable at first, when jimin had seen the first case in his life. how could a person's feeling make them cough up and vomit, flower petals?

 

nevertheless, he remembers sitting beside an unconscious and recently operated upon jackson hyung, being the only person who knew of his condition.

 

of how jackson hyung was coughing begonia petals for jaebum hyung. it somehow pained jimin to see jackson hyung in such a feeble condition. the ever so lively _wang gae_ , lying on a hospital bed with iv's hooked into his arms and attached to the heart monitor.

 

his torso was bare, once beautiful glowing skin now pale, covered with bandages. bandages covering a long scar that ran straight down his sternum. a real, physical testament of the pain jackson hyung had gone through, for months, before finally running out of hope, and after coughing out an entire begonia flower, that he had opted for the surgery.

 

jimin didn't know how he'd found himself in that situation. he and jackson hyung weren't very chummy with each other. jackson hyung was actually rather close to namjoon hyung; but it was jimin who had accidentally stumbled upon jackson hyung coughing out bloody petals one day, in the bathroom stall of one of the award show venues.

 

and since then, jimin had maintained contact with jackson hyung through texting, and even calling.

 

but one day, suddenly, jimin was sneakily rushing to the hospital, after hanging up on jackson hyung who sounded very sad, very unlike himself.

 

"i'm at the hospital."

 

"hyung, are you sure?"

 

"will you stay by my side, please? i don't want to wake up alone."

 

"i'm on my way as we speak."

 

"please don't let anyone find out."

 

"not a soul, hyung."

 

☆

 

jimin remembers reaching the hospital in record time, without ever being discovered.

 

he sees jackson hyung sitting in the waiting area all alone, white-blonde hair hanging low, covering his eyes, a mask obscuring the rest of his face. his once beautiful, glowing, sun-kissed skin is pale, and pink-ish. his eyes, streaked with red, blood vessels showing. his fingers are interlaced, fingernails digging into his knuckles, hands trembling.

 

jimin runs to jackson hyung, doesn't even think twice before dropping to his knees as he reaches the older man, and wraps his arms around him gently.

 

he isn't sure what propelled him to do that. he didn't really expect to find hyung like this; _fine_ , but at the same time, _not_ _really_. maybe he expected having to wait to see hyung, fearing hyung might've already been in the operating hall, getting torn up by the surgeons.

 

maybe he expected seeing hyung lying unconscious on a bed, with the flowers and the feelings all gone.

 

maybe he expected the worst.

 

which explains the absolute relief at seeing jackson relatively fine.

 

jimin almost tears up, but he blinks the tears away before they gather. he doesn't know when jackson hyung hugged him back, but feeling his strong arms going around him, jimin is filled with a feeling he can't describe.

 

when they part, hyung sighs, running his hand through his hair, tousling the locks; and removes his face mask. his lips are chapped, cracked, and stained with what is possibly, blood; jimin notices, but doesn't say anything.

 

"you're going bald, hyung." he teases instead, and jackson chuckles; very, _very_ carefully.

 

"not before you, ash-head." jackson teases back, grabbing a pinchful of jimin's ash-grey hair; jimin giggles, and jackson smiles.

 

jimin doesn't know what to say. he's scared he might say something wrong which might end up insulting or demeaning hyung, and that's the last thing he wants.

 

he wants to console jackson. he wants to tell jackson _it is going to be alright_ , that _everything is going to be fine_. but jimin can't do that when he doesn't even know what ' _fine_ ' really is. his fine and jackson's fine are not the same things; at least jimin doesn't think so.

 

so jimin wonders what he should say to the older man, that would not only ease his worries, but also jimin's own. how to console someone who is about to give up on his love?

 

"i'm scared, jimin-ah." jackson whispers shakily; his hands shaking in jimin's, and jimin holds his hands just a little bit tighter. it's a reassurance; that jimin is there, even if nobody is.

 

"it's okay to be scared, hyung." jimin replies, having carefully weighed his words. his knees are beginning to ache, being pushed against the cold tiled floor of the waiting room, but he puts that tiny problem on the backburner.

 

right now, his priority should be, and **is** , jackson.

 

"it's just-- it's just that--" jackson stutters, almost choking on a sob or a petal jimin doesn't know, so he panics and is about to shout for a medic but jackson squeezes his wrist to halt him.

 

"i'm alright, just, i just need to get this off of my chest, metaphorically, and literally." jackson chuckles carefully again. jimin doesn't say anything. _this_ _ **isn't**_ _the time to be funny, hyung_ ; he thinks. 

 

_please take this seriously!_ jimin wants to scold jackson for being so candid about something as serious as this. he wants to scream out, in pain, and frustration, because _jackson hyung doesn't deserve this!_

 

_what has he ever done to deserve almost dying for a love so oblivious to his feelings that it's killing him from the inside out?_

 

it pisses him off! it pisses jimin off so much he could cry.

 

"yah, jimin-ah, don't cry, you're making hyung sad!" jackson whines cutely, and jimin's vision focuses back on to his hands holding on to jackson's, and the teardrops on their hands, courtesy of jimin.

 

"you deserve better, hyung. you deserve a love wholehearted, and true! you deserve a person who loves you and only you, and gives you the world, hyung! i just wish you didn't have to go through this!" jimin breaks down into tears, sniffling into both his and jackson's hands, and starts to sob when he feels one of jackson's hands leave his, and begin to pet his head.

 

_i am so pathetic_ , jimin thinks. _crying like a child, getting comforted by hyung when he's the one who needs to be comforted_. so jimin gulps down the rest of all his tears and sobs, wipes his face clean of any tears, and puts on a strong front.

 

"i'm grateful to know that i'm this loved, dongsaeng. i just wish sometimes that jaebum hyung loved me too, in the way that i want to be loved." jackson whispers. jimin wants to cry again.

 

"why haven't you tried telling him?" jimin asks.

 

"i was going to, last night. i was going to tell him everything. bare my heart to him. but before that could happen, i was cornered by him because he had something to tell me. he looked so excited, his eyes were shining. for a moment i was so thrilled. i wondered what if he was going to confess to me? _i was so thrilled._ i couldn't say a word." jackson smiles tearfully, sniffling; and jimin wonders what went wrong.

 

"and then he told me that jinyoung-ah asked him out, and that he said yes. he kept gushing about how he is so absolutely in love with jinyoung-ah; and only the good god above knows how i restrained the coughing. then today i coughed out an entire flower, and it was splotched with my blood." jackson sighs, rubbing at his chest, cringing at the memory.

 

"i'm so sorry hyung." jimin mumbles.

 

"it's just scary because for a little while, my love for him was all i knew. it was all i thought of. it was all i dreamt of. and now i am at this point, where i either let go of this love, or let go of my life. and once upon a time i would've actually, actively, chosen to die; instead of forgetting. instead of letting go. i'm scared because i don't feel that urge anymore; to die for love, to die in love." jackson gulps, eyes tearing up, and jimin squirms. _it must be the flowers_ , he thinks.

 

"jimin-ah. i'm very scared because i'm not this kind of a person. jackson wang doesn't do anything half-assed. much less love half-assed. then why am i here in this hospital's waiting room? why am i so willing and eager to go and get the surgery? why am i choosing to forget my feelings for him and not die with them?" jackson is almost panicked, his hands are trembling incessantly.

 

"maybe it's because you're done with the pain, hyung. because you're done with tolerating all of this ache in vain. because you know that even if you don't have jaebum hyung's affection, you're far too loved by everyone else. it won't make up for it, no; but would you die for a man whose heart is with someone else, or live for the countless people who do love you? you know your answer, hyung; and that's why we're both here today, right now." jimin answers jackson's worries effeciently, making jackson crack a genuine smile in a good while.

 

"you're very mature for your age, jimin-ah. i'm glad it's you who knows." jackson keeps smiling that pretty, genuine smile, and jimin sees a glint of what feels like hope in the older's eyes.

 

"i'm glad it's me, too. and you're very brave for taking this decision; i admire you, hyung, so much," jimin says to jackson. there is a something in his voice neither of them understand, but they don't comment on it either.

 

"then let's get this over with!" there is enthusiasm in jackson's voice. he's eager, excited, to get the surgery. jimin doesn't know how to react. he just hopes that when jackson comes out of surgery, his feelings for jaebum hyung are the only things gone.

 

"let's go," jimin stands and reaches out to jackson, who takes his hand. and then jimin supports the older man all the way to the cabin of the doctor who is supposed to operate on him.

 

☆

 

jimin has to sit in the waiting room for a long while. _hours_ , before the surgery is over and successful, as the surgeon informs him.

 

"we are very grateful that the patient came in after coughing out the first entire flower. had it been any more flowers, operating on him would have become very risky towards his life. that being said, the operation was successful, and you may see the patient once he is wheeled into his room." says the surgeon.

 

jimin thanks her for the nth time before finally taking his phone out and sending a text to taehyung (whom jimin has 16 missed calls from) saying (lying) that he's out at a bowling alley, and he wants to be left alone.

 

he gets a reply almost instantly. " _we're gonna have a long talk when you come home, honey-bun._ "

 

grinning, jimin types back, " _sure, as long as you save the lovesick nicknames for kookie-ah._ " before pocketing back his phone.

 

and then he finds himself sitting by jackson's bed, staring at the unconscious man, slightly feeling like a creep.

 

"i would tell you to take a picture because it would last longer, but i don't actually want this--" jackson pauses to lift his right hand off of his stomach, with some difficulty, and gestures towards the bandages on his chest with a grimace, "--to last long."

 

jimin's lips are smiling, there's tears in his eyes. tears of happiness, tears of relief. to hear his hyung sounding just like himself, jimin is just so glad.

 

☆

 

everything was quite. . .fine, after that.

 

jaebum and jinyoung were still very much in love with each other, however when got7 came to know of jackson's condition and treatment, they were all heartbroken.

 

jackson had told jimin that bambam and yugyeom refused to eat for about three days before jackson had to threaten them with pulling out his stitches before time. jaebum and jinyoung hyung were hurt, and weren't able to look jackson in the eyes for a good while before they cornered him one day and cried their eyes out.

 

then everything was truly fine.

 

☆

 

and now here jimin is.

 

sitting on the toilet with a small yellow petal in his hands.

 

hanahaki.

 

out of all the people, him. jimin has to have it. why? because he just happens to love one member of the family a little bit more than he loves the rest of them?

 

how is that any fair?

 

"yah jiminie, will you please help me with the cooking?" seokjin asks from outside of the bathroom door, snapping jimin out of his thoughts and jimin quickly lifts up the toilet's lid and flushes down the petal.

 

"sure hyung, just give me a minute!" he calls out and rushes to wash his hands, splashing some water on to his face, focusing on his eyes. his eyes are teary, and reddish from coughing so much. from coughing out yellow petals and blood.

 

but he goes ahead and out of the bathroom and joins seokjin, and they make their way to the kitchen.

 

it's not too long before dinner is ready, that the boys are sitting down together to eat, and the dining table is filled with chatter. there's a number of conversations going around ranging from high scores on overwatch, to the insignificance of petty emotions in the bigger scheme of the universe (leave it to namjoon to be able to get all philosophical at any given time of the day), to how embarrassing it is to read army's obscenely explicit sexual tweets tagged at them, and everything else in between.

 

jimin can't help but laugh at the mention of sexually explicit tweets and the funny memes by army's, and he swears he just loves them all so much. where they are today, their worldwide fame, is all the fruit bore by both bts's hardwork, and by army's.

 

and now as their success only blooms more and more, so increases their already never ending love for army's. _our babies_ , jimin thinks to himself with a smile.

 

"who are you thinking of to make you smile like that, jiminie?" taehyung teases jimin, breaking him out of his reverie and jimin finds everyone looking at him curiously.

 

"army, our babies." he replies with a fond little laugh, and his answer causes everyone on the table to crack up big smiles.

 

"they're so precious," namjoon chuckles fondly, a dreamy look in his eyes because he just loves them so much, and seokjin smiles at his boyfriend.

 

"they are indeed. they're so cute!" hoseok chimes in with his beautiful grin, and jimin's chest feels funny.

 

he almost feels a cough rising up. petals climbing their way up towards his mouth. he hasn't even started eating and he's ready to vomit. but he can't let that happen. not now, not ever. no one should know he has hanahaki.

 

so he gulps the emotions down, along with the petals. he can just cough them out later.

 

☆

 

sometimes jimin wishes he was the one dorming alone.

 

because when his chest aches with impending coughs and a petal shower at an ungodly hour of the night; jimin finds himself rushing to the toilet, locking himself in and hacking up a lung. 

 

while praying he hasn't woken up hobi hyung in his hurry.

 

jimin coughs and coughs, as he tries his hardest to keep his voice down low; chokes on the petals still crowding his oesophagus, and vomits right into the toilet bowl.

 

he vomits so much and so hard there are tears trailing down his cheeks, his forehead is covered with a thin sheen of sweat, and everything floating in the white porcelain bowl is red.

 

when jimin can finally open his eyes and look at the mess in front of himself, it's not just a couple of petals either, this time. 

 

this time it's many. 

 

it's so many, he can't count. 

 

so many, soaked with blood. 

 

so much blood that jimin can't see the yellow in them anymore. it is a bit surprising, because jimin honestly wasn't expecting to see that much blood. 

 

petals, yes, he was prepared for the petals. the more he delays confessing, the sicker he gets. it's that simple. but the blood. okay, maybe it has scared jimin shitless now. there wasn't supposed to be this much blood.

 

he immediately flushes down the mess and cleans himself up in a rush. he doesn't know why he's rushing. maybe he's going to die before he even has the chance to get the surgery. maybe he wants to run to the only person who can console him right now, jackson hyung. so he decides to meet up with jackson tomorrow.

 

getting back to bed, jimin takes his phone and shoots a text to jackson anyway, a text that reads: "hyung, we're going on a date today, please be ready by 11:30. i'll come pick you up. love you."

 

and morning comes by very soon, but jimin feels like he has overslept. 08:00, his iphone screen tells the time, so jimin starts with his morning routine.

 

amazingly, he doesn't cough once the entire morning, and everyone in the flat is a bit curious about where jimin might be going, because he has a bounce in his step and a shine in his eyes.

 

"someone looks cool~" hobi hyung teases as jimin puts on a black leather jacket over a grey t-shirt, paired with black skinny jeans and converse.

 

jimin giggles adorably. "thank you hyung~" he singsongs, making hoseok smile his signature sunshine smile again, and jimin can swear his heart skipped a beat.

 

"are you meeting someone special?" hoseok asks, and his voice is curious. jimin almost doesn't answer, but then he does.

 

"no hyung, i'm just meeting up with jackson hyung." jimin replies, his fingers tousling his hair before he puts on a grey beanie.

 

"i didn't know you two were that close. what else are you hiding from us, huh, jiminie?" jimin almost panics at hoseok's question. does hobi hyung know about his hanahaki? but if knew wouldn't he say something? no. hobi hyung doesn't know. so jimin saves himself in the nick of time by changing the topic.

 

"that's nothing hyung, how are you and jihee noona doing these days?" jimin asks hoseok, and hoseok forgets all about his question to jimin as an immediate, smitten smile takes over his face.

 

"we're doing well, jiminie. i'm so in love with her, and she told me loves me, too. things are good, jiminie. life is good." hoseok gushes and something clenches in jimin's chest, but he puts on a smile and coos at hoseok.

 

hoseok blushes and groans at the attention, and jimin laughs and blows him a kiss before heading out.

 

☆

 

"jimin-ah!!!" jackson screams excitedly before the elevator door is even completely open on jackson's floor of the apartment building where he lives.

 

"hyung~! stop screaming bloody freaking murder everytime you see me~!" jimin singsongs, and jackson laughs a high-pitched laugh.

 

"not gonna happen~!" jackson sings right back before pulling jimin into a tight hug.

 

"am i pretty, jimin?" jackson flirts as he lets jimin go, prettily blinking his eyes at him and jimin laughs.

 

"i could eat you right up, hyung!" he teases back, and jackson lets out a very fake, very loud, scandalised gasp.

 

"at least buy me dinner first, you monster!" jackson swats at jimin's bicep and jimin grins wide.

 

"i **am** taking you out on a date." he replies and jackson giggles before leading jimin inside his apartment.

 

"you want some water?" the older man asks and jimin nods, sprawling across the sofa, getting comfortable.

 

"so hyung, do you have a place to go to in mind?" jimin calls out to jackson who is in the kitchen, while he looks up restaurants on his phone.

 

"let's get some coffee and come back here, and then you and i can make lunch together?" jackson suggests as he hands jimin a glass of lukewarm water (it's good for your throat, he says).

 

jimin doesn't say much for the next couple of minutes. he doesn't know how to go about it. he pretends as if he's busy drinking the water. but he notices jackson glancing at him every couple of seconds, as if he doesn't understand why jimin is suddenly acting this way.

 

jimin keeps the glass on the coffee table. he still doesn't know how to really tell jackson what he is going through. jackson didn't have to tell him because under the circumstances which jimin found him in, jackson didn't really have to.

 

"hyung, the petals are yellow." slips jimin's mouth, and immediately jackson goes still. _well_ , jimin thinks, _at least now i don't have to really go into the details_.

 

"how long?" jackson asks, his voice is low, almost like he is afraid jimin might get hurt if he raises his voice.

 

"about two months," jimin replies, wringing his fingers in his lap, he is nervous, but he doesn't know why.

 

"do you want the surgery?" jackson asks cautiously, hoping and praying that jimin agrees. and thankfully, jimin does.

 

"yes, hyung. this is why i came here to see you. last night-- last night, or today in the morning i should say-- at about three or four a.m., i coughed out petals. petals with a lot of blood. there wasn't supposed to be that much blood, hyung. i'm scared. what if i die before i can even get to the hospital for surgery?" jimin's voice is weak. it's cracking. like the boy has run out of hope.

 

"don't say things like that, dongsaeng. you'll be fine. you know what? after we get the coffee, we'll go to the hospital. and then we can talk with the doctors about everything, okay?" jackson comforts jimin, moving closer to his side and wrapping his arm around the younger.

 

jimin turns so he is completely facing jackson and hugs the older, holding on to the lapels of jackson's leather jacket; and jackson hugs him right back.

 

"i'm very scared, hyung." jimin murmurs into their hug, and jackson sighs before moving his hand to jimin's head, petting the younger's hair.

 

"and it's okay to be scared, jimin-ah." jackson whispers into jimin's hair.

 

☆

 

after getting the coffee they want to get, the boys make their way to the hospital. hanahaki is very common, with a fifty percent rate of infection, so there are a number of hanahaki specialists stationed at every hospital. so the boys head to the doctor who is known for dealing with celebrities, and who has previously treated and operated on jackson.

 

all three of them sign the confidentiality agreement, and then sit down to talk.

 

"so, jimin-ssi, may i know everything about your hanahaki?" the doctor asks with a smile. she is pretty, unusually so. she is a half korean and half american, with almost all korean facial features except for her vibrant, leafy green eyes.

 

"um--" jimin falters, not knowing what to call her, and she blushes realising that.

 

"please call me hae-eun," she informs with an embarrassed smile.

 

"hae-eun noona, i started coughing about two months ago, and the first petal came one week after that. the petals have gradually been increasing, but last night-- last night there was a lot of blood. i'm scared because it wasn't like that with hyung here, i saw him cough a lot of blood only when he was about five months in." jimin rambles while the doctor patiently listens to him, and then jimin quiets down.

 

"jimin-ssi, i must let you know that everyone's body reacts differently to their hanahaki, no matter what flower they may have inside. now what i can think of as the reason behind you coughing out a lot of blood is that you've been suppressing your feelings. resulting in the flower being unable to root in properly in your lungs; which is causing the harsh roots to slash away at your lung tissue, inducing all of the bleeding." the doctor says, and jimin winces, while jackson is looking fairly unnerved.

 

"but you don't have to worry. if i may suggest, it would be better if we can actually operate on you before this week is over. if we can remove the flower, roots and all, before it settles in, there's more chances for your speedier recovery. it would be great if you could take an x-ray and give us a blood sample of yours today so we can run some tests and see what flower it is." the doctor informs, and instead of being hopeful, jimin panics a little.

 

noticing the signs of an oncoming panic attack in jimin, the doctor immediately works on calming him down. it takes a while, and a lot of breathing exercises before jimin finally gains a semblance of calmness; then jackson thanks the lady, and excuses themselves from the doctor's cabin with the prescription.

 

they are escorted to the laboratory by the nurse where jimin has to sit through an x-ray and give a vial of blood before they are allowed to go; and jackson takes jimin home.

 

once they're back at his place again, jackson makes jimin some green tea (because jackson thinks green tea is the solution to everything), and jimin takes the cup before thanking jackson for the hospitality.

 

not much words are exchanged between them, and soon both the boys are making spaghetti and meatballs for lunch. ( _it's a date_ , says jackson; _so we're not eating rice_.)

 

when lunch is ready, the boys have it in the kitchen; sitting down on the island stools, still not talking much.

 

"i know who it is." jackson comments after some time, and jimin looks at him questioningly.

 

"you do?" jimin asks, inquisitive.

 

"you look at him the way i used to look at jaebum hyung. i know that look when i see it." jackson replies, and jimin wonders if jackson truly does remember how he loved jaebum hyung.

 

you aren't supposed to.

 

once the flower is out of your system, you're not supposed to remember how that unrequited love felt.

 

and it scares jimin.

 

to look at the man who has his heart and not feel the love anymore.

 

and scarier is feeling the love even after you've chosen to forget.

 

"do you-- do you remember?" jimin asks into the silent room.

 

"sometimes i get flashes. it's like your memories from childhood, you know? some things . . . you remember how they felt like, but you can't remember what they were? am i making any sense right now?" jackson asks confusedly.

 

jimin isn't sure what to say.

 

"you've had enough for today, jimin-ah. i think you should go back home and rest." jackson suggests. his hand is still patting jimin's head. jimin doesn't feel like going back.

 

"i think so too, hyung." jimin says.

 

jackson drives and drops off jimin to bts's new dorm. before jimin gets out of the car he gives jackson a tight hug, and jackson kisses both of jimin's cheeks making the younger giggle and blush.

 

"thanks for being with me today, hyung." thanks jimin, and jackson gives him a smile.

 

"anything for you." he replies before blowing jimin another kiss and driving away.

 

☆

 

when jimin gets inside the apartment, he isn't really prepared for what is about to happen.

 

the t.v. is switched on, and the channel tuned into is going on and on about how jimin was seen leaving the hospital earlier today with jackson.

 

all of bts have the exact same expression on their faces. they're hurt, and disappointed.

 

"what were you doing at the hospital, jiminie?" yoongi asks. jimin doesn't reply. everyone is staring at him.

 

"why didn't you tell us you were sick jiminie?" it's taehyung. jimin can't react. he isn't ready for this. he'll never be ready for this. they're all still staring at him.

 

"it has something to do with all the coughing you've been doing lately, doesn't it, jiminie?" hoseok all but exposes jimin, and he looks heartbroken having to do so.

 

everybody's incredulous looks are directed towards hoseok now.

 

"you knew something was wrong?" yoongi's tone says he can't believe it.

 

_but can you really not?_ jimin thinks to himself. _we're in the exact same boat here, hyung, loving someone we can't have because he loves someone else_. but jimin doesn't dare say a word out loud.

 

he doesn't really have to. not really anyway. because looking at the cause of his hanahaki be so worried about him propels a bout of vicious coughing. jimin feels multiple petals making their way up his throat and out of his mouth and before he can even run, the petals and the blood are all over the floor.

 

everyone is positively horrified.

 

"you had hanahaki and you didn't bother telling anyone!?" it's seokjin screaming. he can't believe jimin has been going through so much pain and agony by himself, without even anyone's support.

 

"jackson hyung knows." jimin grumbles, trying to wipe his mouth clean of the blood, and everybody in the room flinches.

 

"what about us jiminie hyung? aren't we your family?" it's jungkook this time. he's almost in tears. he's about to cry.

 

"how can i tell all of you about my hanahaki when one of you is the reason for it?" jimin's voice is so cold. and so void of emotions. he is tired. so tired of this all. he just wants to sleep. why did he say that?

 

the living room in dead silent. jimin can almost hear the blood rushing through his own veins. nobody can say anything after the bomb jimin has dropped. it's just too quiet. jimin doesn't like it one bit.

 

jimin walks to the room he shares with hoseok, goes to the toilet to clean himself up, and when he's done doing that he changes his clothes and goes to sleep. dinner be damned.

 

☆

 

when jimin wakes up the next morning, he has made up his mind. he's going to get the surgery today itself.

 

first he sends a text to jackson telling the older of his decision, and then he calls the doctor and makes an appointment with her. he notices that hoseok didn't sleep in their room that night. _he must've shared the room with yoongi hyung_ , jimin thinks, and feels a slight spark of jealousy in his heart.

 

breakfast is . . . awkward, to say the least.

 

it's virtually like bts are terrified. nobody is able to utter a single word during breakfast, and so defeated, jimin takes the initiative.

 

"i'm going to get the surgery today." he announces, and all six of the rest of his family members look at him hopefully. a bit too hopefully.

 

"that's great jiminie, can we come with you?" taehyung asks.

 

"no." jimin's reply is curt.

 

"won't you at least tell us who it is?" hoseok asks jimin and jimin closes his eyes shut tight.

 

"yeah, and while i'm at it why don't i also tell you that he has someone he loves; so are you happy now?" jimin deadpans and continues eating his breakfast.

 

soon he is in the hospital's familiar waiting room, with jackson right beside him. the operating hall is being prepared so they have to wait for a while.

 

"what flower did they say you had?" jackson asks.

 

"yellow acacia, they said." jimin replies, anxious. whether it is a good anxiety or bad, jimin can't be sure.

 

"hyung, do you mind if i make a phone call?" jimin asks jackson, and jackson smiles in understanding before going outside the waiting room.

 

so jimin dials the contact in his phone, to talk to the man one last time while he's still in love with him.

 

and as the phone rings, jimin is reminded of the question he'd asked jackson in this very waiting room.

 

_'. . . would you die for a man whose heart is with someone else, or live for the countless people who do love you?'_

 

and jimin knows that his decision of getting the surgery is right.

 

☆

 

when jimin next opens his eyes, jackson is sitting beside him, holding his hand. jimin smiles at him.

 

and then looks around and sees the rest of bts standing in the room, tense, and wary.

 

"i tried to keep them out, but i had no right to." jackson smiles sadly, jimin squeezes his hand.

 

he asks the nurse to remove the oxygen mask from his face, and the nurse does so before leaving the room.

 

"at least you tried." jimin says to jackson, and looks at his teammates, or whom he calls his family members.

 

when his eyes land on the man who once made his heart skip a beat, jimin doesn't feel anything anymore and he doesn't know if he's thankful.

 

he feels empty, and he's not sure if it's the good kind of empty.

 

"can i be left alone?" jimin asks, looking at everybody, and jackson nods, before giving a kiss to jimin's hands, and escorting everyone outside.

 

and he shouldn't remember.

 

he shouldn't remember how it felt.

 

he shouldn't remember how it ached.

 

but he remembers something.

 

the last conversation he had with the person before the surgery. it keeps playing out in his mind like a broken record.

 

jimin smiles to himself. getting the surgery was the best choice after all.

 

☆

 

jimin is back at the dorm, he is still healing. seokjin is fully into his eomma role, pecking around at jimin every half an hour with something to eat.

 

"are you feeling fine?"  
"do you feel nauseated?"  
"should i make you some more tea?"  
"your stitches aren't bothering you, are they?"

 

honestly jimin is a little annoyed with seokjin's constant worrying, so the next time the door opens, he's ready to groan and whine and send jin away; but he looks up to see that it isn't jin at all.

 

it's him.

 

jimin looks at his face, his eyes, his nose, his lips. looks at his entire form. his heart doesn't skip a beat anymore. he doesn't feel the crippling love anymore.

 

he doesn't feel the ache anymore.

 

there's no more flowers left to cough out.

 

"hyung?" jimin asks.

 

"yes jiminie." comes the reply.

 

"you know that i loved **you** , right?"

 

"i know."

 

jimin is silent.

 

"jiminie?"

 

"hm?"

 

"you know i'm in love with someone else, right?"

 

"i know."

 

the door opens, and then shuts.

 

silence follows yoongi's departure.

 

jimin smiles.

 

**Author's Note:**

> this was inspired from a post i saw on facebook. it is neither edited, nor proofread, all of my mistakes are mine and mine alone, please go easy on me. i'm smol and easily hurt.
> 
> the images that inspired me:
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> [twt✨](https://twitter.com/glitteryongs)   
>  [cc🎀](https://curiouscat.me/glitteryongs)


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